Examination of Conscience–Part 2

Part 1

Looking Deeply
Preparing for the Sacrement of Confession

Did I commit any of the seven deadly sins? Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. Gulp.

Which of the two greatest commands did I mess up on?

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?” “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (NIV, Mark 12:28-31

I am in so much trouble.

Which of the Ten Commandments did I violate? Uh oh.

I have to tell you, all of these things crossed my mind in the weeks leading up to confession.

I think in one way or another, in the course of twenty plus years I broke every commandment, commited every deadly sin and did not pay attention to the two greatest commandments.

When one really comes to the realization of sin and self…well…it becomes hard to look in the mirror.

But for twenty years I had been going on like I had it all together. Heaven knows that wasn’t even close to true, but I had been playing at it. For twenty years I had been taking all the little dirty secrets and sweeping them under the rug.

Was I sorry? Well…yeah, if pressed I was sorry. But I would rather choose to put all those skeletons in a very dark and deep walk in closet. I would rather not acknowledge that I was capable of evil, for that is what sin is.

Did God forgive me? Well of course. I am so thankful to have a merciful Father who will forgive when we stray. But what was I missing? Why couldn’t I leave these behind and truly move on?

A big part of me says it was that last one on the seven deadly list—Pride. Pride comes in many forms. If I had to list the worst of my sins, and I did tell Father J. this, I would have to say it was pride. Pride in my knowledge, pride in my intellect, pride in my abilities and pride in people seeing me as capable. And another word for pride is vanity. If I admitted that I was weak my vanity would be wounded.

Pride comes as false humility sometimes. “Oh, I was so awful, I cannot ask God to forgive me that.” Why not?

“Oh, surely God has better things to hear, more important people to forgive than me.” Surely not.

Pride built up a big wall between God and me and I allowed the deceitful little whisperings in the back of my mind, “Who will ever know…?” “What does that little thing matter to anyone?” “If you don’t say anything no one will be hurt.” I allowed myself to believe those things for a very.

And then I truly examined my conscience.

I was wrong. I am sorry.

Six words. Six words that if said with genuine reflection and remorse can be a huge gift.

~ by throughadarkglass on October 20, 2007.